this isn’t a ‘setting the record straight’ post. it’s a very brief one before bed just to express the feeling i’ve had lately - unless you are me, or the person involved in a situation, then youdo notknow what is happening.

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being my best friend, living with me, having conversations with me every now and then - none of that is enough. unless you are in my head or living my life then you cannot assume you understand anything, from speculation or hearsay, unless i have told you 100% of the facts available. which is not something i’m given to doing these days. it is even worse when speculation or half-fact leads to people being judged negatively, or to me being pitied or looked down on or seen as weak.

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so: don’t presume to know me, or to understand the frankly unique set of problems and blessings in my life. i am not happy, but i’m not a happy woman: i am, however, content. and fully in control of my own decisions. and not, even one tiny bit, a victim of anything.

i have had many personal blogs before, all have been password protected or deleted, to spare myself the shame that comes of reading my own overdramatic prose. i can make taking the bins out sound like byron.

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i’m not certain what makes people write blogs, or what makes me think a blog is better than a diary (which i am also beginning to keep and in which i will document the things that don’t make it onto here - i do havesomeidea of privacy, if only in theory). i’m not sure why i think anyone is interested in what i think or feel, or what i’m up to, but i like to talk. you do not have to listen. if you want to, then thankyou.

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i promise now (mostly to myself) that i will always be honest and frank. i am not at all a private person, and i want to be able to talk candidly about my life, especially the difficulties arising from living and struggling with fairly severe mental health issues. it’s my small contribution to removing the taboo surrounding talking about mental illness, as well as a personal way for me to vent feelings and thoughts that i might find it hard to express verbally.

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i am entering a period of difficulty and change. the way my life has been for several months is different now, and having recently slipped back into depression without really noticing it creeping up on me, i have a lot of resolutions and plans that i feel i will find it easier to keep to if i’m documenting them, and my progress, here.

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i do not apologise for wasting your time with this. you can choose not to read if you find it pointless or self-indulgent or boring. this is for me, really. but i promise one thing: i will try very hard to protect the privacy of those i am close to who have different feelings about sharing yourself with the world. the last thing i want to do is misrepresent anyone, or compromise the level of privacy they wish to maintain. not everybody writes an essay when asked how they are. not everybody wants to be an open book to anyone with a search engine and ten minutes. if you are ever reading my blog and want me to edit or take down something that references you in a way you don’t want it to, message or call me and it’s gone.

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thanks for your time, tumblr.